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BORING BORING ARSENAL!

The Football Association was considering a scheme for simplifying club badges and emblems so that they more closely reflected the clubs' names. A committee was set up to receive suggestions and, after a few weeks, the chairman called a meeting.

'Gentlemen,' he said, 'our request for new club badge designs has produced a very satisfactory response.

Most of the suggestions are perfectly straightforward and logical - an ox for Oxford United, a sun for Sunderland, a heart for Heart of Midlothian, a windmill and a brick wall for Millwall.

However, I'm afraid we must definitely draw the line at the proposed design received from Arsenal!'

MANCHESTER UNITED EXTRAVANGZA
>>David Beckham is celebrating; "43 days, 43 days!" he shouts happilly. Posh asks him why hes celebrating.
He answers "Well Honey, I've done this jigsaw in only 43 days."
"And that's good?" asks Posh.
"You bet Hon" says David."It says 3 to 6 years on the box."

>>Andy Cole is ill, so Alex Ferguson offers to go shopping for him. While in the local supermarket, he bumps into Roy Evans. “Hello, Alex, what are you doing here?" "I’m getting a bag of potatoes for Andy Cole.” "Sounds like a fair swap to me!!”

>>An Gunner walks into a store in a place called Hamlyn. He sees a small brass rat on the shelf. After looking for any other bargains in the store, he decides he wants to buy the rat. He asks the storekeeper “How much for the brass rat?” The storekeeper says “Ten pounds for the rat. One hundred and twenty pounds for the story about the brass
rat.” The guy says “What’s the story?” The storekeeper says “I wont tell you unless you give me a hundred and twenty pounds.” The collector says “Skip the story”, pays for the rat, and walks out of the store. He puts the rat in his backpack and starts riding his bike across the nearest bridge. A short time later, the guy looks behind him and sees a rat following him. This strikes him as odd, but not unheard of, so he pedals on. A moment later he hears cars honking behind him and turns around to see a pack of about a dozen rats following him. He turns and pedals faster. Finally, as he nears the other side of the bridge he
looks behind him and sees hundreds of rats chasing him. He concludes that
the rats must be chasing the brass rat and decides this is too much. He
stops his bike, pulls the rat from his pack and throws it off the bridge
into the river. He watches as the huge pack of rats jump off the bridge and drown. Relieved but curious, the guy pedals back to the antique store. The storekeeper sees him come in, shakes his
head, and says “You should have bought the story. You can still have it for one
hundred and twenty pounds.” The guy shakes his head and says “Forget
the story. How much for the brass Manchester United Supporter?


MANCHESTER: THE CITY OF HORRORS

A British Soldier, whilst on patrol in Bosnia, happens upon a young lad kicking

around a spent shell case with not inconsiderable skill. The two end up chatting

and the soldier says, "Would you like to play football in England? A great friend

of mine knows Alex Ferguson, the man in charge of the top England team. He

could help you." The boy appears very keen and so, when the soldier returns

home, he asks his friend. Well, it turns out that Alex Ferguson is interested and

so the young lad is brought over. He starts off in the Junior team, but is so good,

he gets steadily promoted until he's on the substitute bench for the main team at

the FA Cup final. The game reaches half-time and the score is 2-2. "Alright", says

Ferguson. "Let's see what you can do". On to the pitch he goes. The lad scores

Three fantastic goals and the team have a glorious victory. Afterwards, the lad

goes to a 'phone to call his Dad. "Dad", he says, "we won the FA Cup final! I

scored three goals!!". His Dad is non-plussed and replies, "Don't you give me

that! Back here, we're going through Hell! Your Mother went out for bread this

morning and hasn't been seen since. Your Sister was raped last night and your

brother was beaten up in the street on his way back from school!" "But Dad",

complains the youth, "you can't blame me for that!" "Well", said his father,

"you made us come to Manchester!"

ALEX FERGUSON GETS BEDAZZLED
Alex Ferguson goes to the Arsenal training camp and says to Arsene Wenger, "Arsene how come yor players seem so much fitter and sharper than mine?" Arsene replies," well it is because i ask them a question everyday - watch. Dennis come over here" Dennis Bergkamp trots over and says "yes boss". "Dennis it is your fathers son but not your brother, who is it?" "It is me boss" replies Dennis. "Very good, off you go now", retorts Arsene.
Having seen this Alex goes back to Manchester United and calls over David Beckham. "david it is your fathers son but not your brother who is it?" David pauses for a momment and then says, "this is a tricky one gaff can i have the evening to mull it over?" "course you can" replies Alex. So david goes home and thinks i know i willl ring Jaap Stam he seems like a clever lad. so he rings Jaap and says, "Jaap it is your fathers son but not your brother who is it?" Jaap replies, "it is me dave" So dave thanks him and puts the phone down. Next morning David runs over to Alex nad say, "i have got the answer to that question boss, it is Jaap!" Alex frowns and retorts, "NO you stupid fool, it is Dennis Bergkamp!!!"